Well, maybe not evil. Bad, definitely bad. Root of all things bad.

I am currently in that sort of situation, where you want to work really hard to get the results you want, but just go "meh, that'll come later". You end up procrastinating a little, playing a little, slacking a little; all things refraining from school. Yet in your heart, you truly know what you must do for your own future, what you want, why you want to succeed. You start to look at other more successful people and idolize them, perhaps even become jealous of them. Slowly, as time goes on and the distance between you and the successful becomes so big, you learn to cower before them, you become afraid to stand up to them, because you are now inferior to them. You are not their caliber, you are an utterly useless piece of dumb ass to them.

Well, what do you do? Most of the time people just go back and hide in their hole, hoping that someday these successful people will crumble from their tower of success. Well, too bad, towers of success is built upon strong foundation, even if they fall, they can be rebuilt just as fast as they have fallen. You, whereas, have no foundation, once you crumble, all you can live in is that little hole of yours, and there you shall remain.

That is what I feel, currently. That little person hiding in that hole, trying to bluff himself that everything should be alright, will be alright. I mean, what goes up will come down right? Technically yes, but they don't tell you how long. You can slowly wait for their death, then reclaim that you are now on par with others. Congratulations, you have won yourself a ticket to hell of failures.

The loss of motivation to study, that I now have, is the worse case ever since I started to learn. In fact, I have so little of it, I am writing it on my blog which nobody cares and nobody reads! What do I do? I don't know. Today I saw tonnes of Raffles Institution people, wearing their black with gold "Team Raffles" polo tee. I felt so insulted indirectly that, I was even in the same train cabin with them. Like Wesley (My classmate and friend): "Don't talk to me, I don't even have the face to face them (RI ppl)". I kind of understand how he felt.

Deep inside, I huge this huge want to be one of them. It's like a status symbol you can go around and feel proud of it. >.< Forgive me for my rantings all that of that sort (Uh, you shouldn't be reading this, it's pointless, go someone else's blog), I need motivation. I don't want to be trampled on by others, feel bad in front of my friends, earn less than my classmates and lose in front of others. My ego is weak to be trampled on another time...

I need to succeed, but dear lord, where do I get the motivation to do so?