I always find the need to blog whenever mind is manifested with thoughts. It's not regularly, day to day basis thinking, it's the point where I cannot get anything done if I don't write down or type down what I want to say. The topic is not consistent either, its when troubles and feelings gather to my maximum capacity and comes out all at once. A dam letting go of its water reserves, if I were to put it metaphorically. During this time, my mind jumps from one topic to another and most of the time, it's a self talk session; a debate. Reasons and logic come into play, little details looked into, bounced back, re-answered and still no conclusion, it just jumps to the next topic.
It is because of this, that usually I am emotionally apathetic. I can't express myself, I'm monotonic. A single syllable in mind with no fluctuations. It is because of this I can't find anger, I can't feel anger, I don't find enjoyment in complaining nor procrastination. I just divert attention, throw my emotions into the furthest regions of what the mind can take and leave it there.
Well, today's cause of all this is because of yesterday's movie I watched with Gao Peng and Xu Hui. Yu Zhe broke his leg so he couldn't come. Perry is really bad in mandarin so he doesn't enjoy any association with it. "You are the apple of my eye" <那些年,我们一起追的女孩> is written by Taiwan online novelist 九把刀 about his teenage life and the girl he likes, along with his good friends who similarly likes the same girl. Adapted into a movie, it drives close to students' heart where emotional struggles occur with the opposite sex and pressure of studies still exists.
The movie is great, the humour was just apt- unexpected and to the spot. The love story is not tragic, it ends beautifully, though it leaves space for disappointment if you are who demands the absolute need for a happy ending, however cliche it may be.
What really triggered me was that not once could I ever make an association to the character, which is truly essential in a slice-of-life movie. I felt that I did not need a person to like, nor did I need love. Was I getting detached as a human? Or am I really, just as Perry said, unmoved until the time when true love arrives. I refuse to believe true love exists, and philosophically, I support the notion that a perfect being needs no love. Another part of me argues that the human population is growing at a way too explosive rate and hence, to birth an offspring is just harming the Earth. This is when my internal debate happens. I was scared that I was getting detached as a human, it could be that I was not meant to be part of this world, I would be better to live a secluded life of a monk instead. I again argue that to support the notion that a perfect being needs no love is being elitist and a perfectionist, that the general consent supports love as essential even to a perfect being, if it could exist in a definite form. I jumped in again that without love, this world would be even more heartless and unfair than it already is, that it is what separates human from animals. If human is a higher distinction of animal, would a perfect being have love? Quite possibly, though, it is to assume that the perfect being is an organism, that births and dies like everyone else.
You could tell where the argument is going, quite possibly no where. In the back of my mind, it is noted that this thing is a small problem, that it can all together be thrown back into the depths of the mind. It is so confusing and that it is what determines so importantly as an identity of a person as opposed to my own emotional need. Perhaps my emotional apathy is playing way too hard on myself.
